“You know, something big shifted for me after that session last month,” said a friend over dinner. She is a manager who has recently gone through four rounds of layoffs and is struggling with the increased workload, conflict on her team and a boss uninterested in the day-to-day challenges. “Things are still tough, but I have a bigger perspective, so I can see and use the freedoms I do have. I’ve altered my approach, which is leading to better interactions with my boss and less pressure to take home. And it all really stemmed from that two-hour session!”

What did we do for two hours that made such a difference?

The event she attended was an informal “salon” where 10 professionals from a variety of industries shared experiences related to passion at work. But it wasn’t the topic that mattered so much as the fact that we had found a way to connect with other professionals as allies.

We each need a tribe

Something incredibly satisfying happens when we can talk openly with other professionals about our experiences at work. I’ve heard audible sighs of relief when professionals find others who “get” their humor, understand their challenges, and grasp their visions for what is possible.

Often this means going outside of our workplace, stepping away from the habitual interactions and meetings that may have us grinding our teeth. Gaining a fresh perspective from hearing the stories others tell about experiences in other companies or the attitudes that help enliven their work and their lives can feel safer than revealing yourself with your own team and give you new ideas that really do make a difference.

For example, at the salon I mentioned above, one Creative Director described recognizing the healthy and encouraging tribal aspects of groups – how they help us know that we’re not alone in the challenges we each face. He referred to a past advertising campaign he’d designed for a clothing company’s launch of Grateful Dead Neckwear under the umbrella of “Secret Members of the Same Tribe” – and how that carries over in his continued business relationships built around a sense of tribal connection. His story resonated with the group and gave us all a fresh vantage point that echoed throughout the rest of the afternoon’s conversation.

Most of us vastly underestimate our need for a group of safe and trusted professional allies. Without this support, we tend to default to the relationships immediately surrounding us, which may or may not reflect our priorities or highest potential. For those engaged in a mission or professional “quest”, the need is even greater because visions are always invisible in the beginning. (See David Whyte’s, Crossing the Unknown Sea, for more on this.)

Thus, as our workplaces become ever more fluid, it seems even more important to find and strengthen the relationships that feed us in our work—the “guild” for our craft, the tribe or community that transcends particular jobs or employers as we pursue our professions over time. To quote British actress, model, and novelist Jane Howard, “Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”

Where to start

So, where do you start?  Here are a few tips:

Seek out the best relationships you already have. Reflect for a moment on the people and groups in your life where you can talk about work.  Who brings out your best?  Who gently stretches you in the direction of your own highest values, while encouraging you to be “real” and honest? See if there are ways to strengthen your connections with these allies.

Explore your allies’ communities. Try to learn more about the groups and events your allies attend. Is there a professional association they swear by? Someone who hosts great dinner parties or other informal gatherings? Does your coach lead a learning community? A surprising number of professionals are turning to organic, voluntary groups as resources to support them.  Try exploring several different communities to see where you feel the most at home. You may even decide to convene your own.

Show up – but just to a few. Once you’ve found a promising group or two, make a commitment to show up to their events and activities as often as you can. You cannot commit to every group you come across – so just pick the one or two that leave you feeling most refreshed and resourceful.

Make sure there’s a little stretch. If all you do is get together and kvetch, you’ll get relief, but little insight or discovery. Groups that have some sort of “stretch practice” – like sharing experiences, exploring a theme, asking each other questions, etc., feel richer, make more progress, and keep you coming back over time.  What you’re looking for is a safe but challenging group that can support you, allow you to be real, and help you follow whatever instincts you have about your potential.

Here are a few examples, including one that WorkLore hosts. I encourage you to list others you enjoy in your comments below.
•    WorkLore’s Professional Quest Peer Coaching Groups
•    Glenna Gerard’s Presence Walkabouts
•    Action Learning Labs
•    Heartland Circle’s Thought Leader Gatherings
•    The Bay Area Society for Organizational Learning

Finally, go beyond your tribe. Once you’ve strengthened your ties to your own secret tribe, you’ll likely find that it’s not so much a particular group of people that allows us to relax, invent and discover, but a certain tone and approach.  You can learn to create that tone or contribute to it emerging, just by adopting an attitude of curiosity and interest with those who are different from you as well as your own kind.

Have you had experiences where you felt others “got” who you were and what you were up to? Have you been wishing for a group like that?

Please share your comments below, including any insights, experiences, questions, and wishes related to finding your tribe.

All the best,

Elizabeth Doty
WorkLore