Last month I had the good fortune to partner on a joint talk with John Kador, author of Effective Apology, to explore how compromise and apology might be linked.

What I learned is that the ability to apologize when an apology is due is a healthy compromise. It means giving up the need to be right, to reinforce some fantasy image of who we are, because we value our relationships more than our egos. It requires owning up to our blind spots, weaknesses, and bad habits, but brings us back in touch with reality and frees us from the compromise trap.

As you recall from The Compromise Trap, compromising means giving something up under pressure or constraints. With a healthy compromise, we give up something less valuable for something more valuable – such as a posh job for a better relationship with our family or work we believe in.

Conversely, unhealthy compromise means giving up something more valuable for something less.

Though it may seem irrational in hindsight, this often happens out of our sheer discomfort with difficult conversations, such as admitting we are wrong. For example, the Wall Street Journal article, “Auditor Falls into Trap of His Own Making” describes how a young accountant, the youngest partner in his firm’s history, is approached by a client in the financial services industry. The client explains that the accountant has unwittingly signed off on faulty financial reports for three years and it would be very embarrassing for him to explain to his seniors how he made the mistake; instead, the client argues, he should sign off on the new financial reports (also faulty) to give them time to recover, so he will not have to admit the mistake to the firm’s partners. Several years later the financial services company fails and causes a banking crisis that costs many people their retirement savings, and the accountant is tried and convicted of fraud.  On his way to serve his sentence, he explains that he made the decision to approve the phony statements because he just couldn’t admit to the partners in his firm that he had made a mistake.

This auditor’s terrible misjudgment shows us that apology and compromise are linked in three critical ways:

1. Making unhealthy compromises is usually what leads to the need to apologize. When we betray a principle or commitment, we incur a debt and usually owe an apology. For example, if we opted to stay late to the kiss up to the boss rather than attend a child’s birthday party, we have probably contradicted our stated values about family relationships. The more we learn to face the pressures and threats that cause us to cave under pressure, the less likely we are to need to apologize.
2. Refusing to apologize when an apology is due leads us further into the compromise trap. When we have betrayed a commitment or principle and refuse to acknowledge it, the alternative is denial or lying. Unfortunately, this is itself an unhealthy compromise and is likely to further damage our relationships, and on some level, leave us disappointed in ourselves – reducing our confidence, courageous and creativity.
3. Improving our comfort with apologizing, and generally being human, reduces the chances that we will make unhealthy compromises in the first place. If the auditor had been comfortable admitting mistakes, he might have been able to say no to his client and more willing to face the repercussions of his mistake. For many people, the willingness to admit their limits leads to a sense of freedom and flexibility, as hard as it may be in the moment.

In addition to these three critical links, once we have made an apology, we also need skills to ensure we do not repeat the unhealthy compromise that caused it. That is, we need the ability to say no when something crosses a line or betrays an important principle or commitment.

In summary, we can show the links between apology and compromise in terms of two simple diagrams:

What you can see from both the negative and positive versions of the core cycle is that tackling our fears and beliefs about apologizing and improving our courage and confidence about saying no can help us get out of the negative cycle and shift over to the positive. As we improve our willingness to admit when we have made a mistake or a bad choice, we expand our willingness to step up and make the healthy compromise that favors relationships and truth over some idealized image of ourselves. From this position of strength, we are more likely to refuse the unhealthy compromises we make to avoid facing difficult aspects of reality and end up with less need to apologize.

According to John Kador, many senior executives fail to recognize this dynamic and take the stance that they never apologize out of the mistaken belief that it shows weakness or subjects them to greater legal liabilities. According to Kador, the contrary is true: studies show that when doctors admit honest mistakes, for example, malpractice suits decline. Similarly, Kador finds executives and companies that strive to keep their commitments and, when they mess up, admit it and make an effective apology, actually do better in the long run.

Why would that be?

“When we refuse to apologize for something we are responsible for,” John explains, “we distance ourselves from our real selves. Conversely, when we admit what we have done, we have the chance to truly learn.” This principle applies to individuals and organizations alike, and if we have the presence of mind to remember it when we are tempted to sidestep responsibility, we stay in touch with the part of us that is the real source of our ability to serve, invent, create, and enjoy life.

And now two questions for you: What are the obstacles to apologizing when you need to? What helps you do it anyway?

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